Today I Don't Feel Okay, But That's Okay
So I think I’ve become pretty good at ’talking the talk’ so far, knowing the approach we ‘should‘ take, that I need to be kind to myself; that’s it’s okay not to feel okay. But sometimes not feeling okay is really difficult. And today is one of those days for me.
I actually slept pretty well, but I feel so, so tired. Emotionally tired from all the energy I consciously, and probably unconsciously, put into surviving Christmas and new year. It’s my birthday next week so it’s my final push of getting through some firsts. But today I do feel fucking crap and tired of all the emotional fighting I’ve had to do as part of my recovery.
Anyone who’s lost someone close will know one of the hardest things is when life for ‘everyone’ else appears to go back to ‘normal’ - when you are left feeling everything but. Sometimes that feeling begins soon after the funeral, but bit by bit, as the months pass - almost 7 for me now - you realise that normal will never ever be what it was.
Mostly I’ve adjusted to what that feels like, but days like today, I haven’t. I just miss him and everything about him; his smile when he walked through the door; his loud and infectious laugh; his positivity; his reassurance; the ‘just checking-in‘ phone calls and texts; washing up together; eating together; the cuddles; the I love you’s; the intimacy; planning our holidays; staying in; going out. I miss it all. So of course ’normal’, without all those things, feels so very very different now.
Part of what’s probably happened today is that normal is just a little bit more in my face because all the festivities have ended and daily routines beckon around me. But while the days ahead for me just seem a little bit scary and void right now, the one thing that helps massively when I feel like this is knowing that this feeling will pass. That might not be today, but if that is the case, then as my dear friend Jake Hazell always says, then there’s always tomorrow.
I’m not writing this because I’m looking for sympathy and violins, but I hope being open about how I’m feeling might actually help someone else who’s feeling a bit crap too. And that could be because of grief, or financial worries, or relationship stress. It doesn’t matter what the cause is; it’s accepting it’s okay to not feel okay. People often tell me how strong I’ve been. And I’m happy to accept that. But being strong also means accepting our vulnerabilities. And just as one bad chapter doesn’t make a bad book, an occasional bad day will not define my life either. And nor should it. For anyone.
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